I think of you

I think of you in the mornings as the sun is rising on the horizon because it reminds me how you woke me up again and brought light back into my life.

I think of you when I'm working and I feel the sweat on my brow because it reminds me of how I would get nervous when you first started coming around.

I think of you when I'm driving home, the silence, only my thoughts because it reminds me of you, how you can be silent for days and withdraw from the world whenever you choose.

Fact is, I think of you every second of every minute of every hour of every day because every breath I take, every step forward, every thing I do, every where I go, reminds me of you because you were once everything I lived for.

A Broken Heart

When you feel like you have nothing left, remember... It's a fact of life, people will lie and cheat. They will stab you in the back. They will tell you they love you even though they don't. Getting your heart broke is a chance everyone takes if they ever want to experience real love, the kind you feel, not the kind you say.

Don't let one bad apple spoil the whole barrel. Keep moving forward and living life without regret, forgive those that hurt you and let go of any resentments, leaving the past in the past.

Why? .... because not everyone wants to use you.  There are people out there who do love you. People who would never dream of hurting you. If you're still carrying resentment, these people will pay the price for that damage from your past, making you the liar, cheater and the one whose breaking hearts.

Let God into your heart. Have faith that you'll find each other. Don't fear being alone, trust the process and be patient. God will show you the path to take. God will tell you everything you need to know to find the one you're looking for, but you must be silent in your thoughts and with love in your heart to hear it.

Not who, but Why I am

What I'm going to say here is my experience. What you or anyone else takes from it is up to you.  I never give advice and no one should ever give advice that has a chance to seriously and severely affect another person's life.  If you're going through something similar, you should be looking inside yourself and your heart for the answer. It's ok to ask for someone's experience, but if they haven't been where you are then they have no business telling you what you should do.

When my wife and I split up, I walked away with no where to go but I knew that staying there was not working. I lived in an extended stay hotel for 2 months. My kids came to see me twice. They were 3, 5 and 9 years old. I spent Christmas alone in that hotel room contemplating suicide. I wanted to be home with my family, to see my kids wake up Christmas morning to see what Santa had brought. I wanted to hold my wife and tell her I loved her, but it was too late for that. I was ashamed of myself. A man is not supposed to abandon his family like that. Hes their protector, it takes two parents to raise a child, no other man should be responsible for raising my children, my kids need their dad. All of that was going through my head. I was ashamed, I felt guilty, I was heartbroken, I was mad, I was sad, I wanted to die but I didn't want my kids to hurt.

I was depressed and didn't know it. I had been for a long time. I was 4 years sober and didn't realize that there are several things, other illnesses, underlying causes that can lead to substance abuse. Addiction is a symptom. All I wanted to do was lay in bed. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want anyone to see me. For someone who has never been there, they won't understand but it's not as easy as just making a decision to get up. You get to a point where you are just surviving and even that becomes hard.

The more time that went by the worse things got. My wife would call and tell me what a piece of shit I was. How I was hurting my kids. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know but I couldn't do anything about it. I would sit there on that bed crying, thinking about what I was doing to my kids, with a gun to my head hoping that day was the day I had the balls to pull the trigger.

After almost 3 months my phone rang. It was my wife telling me I needed to come get the kids. I thought she meant for the night or something but she said no, I needed to come get them to come live with me. She said she couldn't take care of them and that they would be better with me. I didn't know why she did that at the time and I don't know why I did what I did, but I got up walked out of that hotel, went and rented a 2 bedroom apartment, put furniture in it, then went and got my kids.

I was lost, I didn't have a clue what I was doing, I had a 3 year old son and 5 & 9 year old daughters. I didn't know anything about taking care of kids. Their mother did all of that while I worked. Now here I am, taking 2 kids and dropping them off at school. I find a daycare for my son, I owned a construction business that was growing and consuming more of my time everyday, then picking kids up, feeding them, homework, baths, bed, more work, then do it all over again the next day still fighting depression and struggling to stay sober.

I don't know how I managed to do it, I finally saw a doctor about the depression, got moved into a house, hired people to run the business during that first year and never really gave it much thought until somebody came up to me one day in the grocery store and said to me that it was a wonderful thing and what a great person I was for stepping up and getting those kids, taking care of them the way I did. I smiled and said thank you but I really wanted to cuss them. First, they are my kids, I didn't adopt them from an orphanage. I didn't have a choice. When she called and said to come get them it didn't occur to me that I had a choice. If I had of known that at the time I might not have went to get them, but I didn't have a choice. I didn't do anything wonderful or anything that millions of single moms and single dad's weren't doing everyday. There was nothing special about me. In fact, I was the one rescued. Those kids, my kids, saved me. I would have eventually killed myself if that wouldn't have happened.

The second thing about them saying that, was they were making it out like their mother had just abandoned them or didn't want them anymore. What I didn't know on day one and what these people didn't know was that their mother had found out she had cancer. She knew she didn't have long, she knew the treatments were going to make her sick where she couldn't take care of the kids and she didn't want them to see her dying this slow miserable death. She loved her kids and she was a great mother. What she did, she did for them. Making the decision to pick up that phone and call me to come get them was probably the hardest decision she ever made and at the same time the easiest.

That was 17 years ago and we've been through some ups and downs. The hardest thing I've ever had to go through was hearing my son laying in bed crying one night. He was 7 years old and I went into his room and asked him what was wrong, I thought he was having a bad dream or something. He looked up at me with tears running down his face and said  daddy don't let momma die, I don't want her to. I wouldn't wish that moment on my worst enemy. To know my child is hurting like that and looking to me to fix it and knowing there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it ripped me apart at the soul. If I could have traded places with her I would have. If I knew that it would bring her back and she was back in their life, I would trade places with her today. 

Here's the thing, people will come to you and say things. People will give you advice. I never asked Jodi for a dime of child support. I didn't need it and she couldn't pay it. That was not something she needed to worry about but people would still come to me and ask me if she was paying anything or if she ever saw the kids. She saw them every chance she got and she fought through chemo and being too sick to open her mouth to talk for nearly 9 years until that shit consumed every part of her body and she couldn't hold on any longer even though in the beginning the doctors told her she wouldn't make it 6 months. She held on for her kids, to give them as much time as she could. What she gave them, what she gave me was worth more than what any judge could have ordered her to pay.

What you are going through in life is between you and those involved. Nobody else knows what any of you are going through. Every situation is different. There's a reason people do what they are doing and you knowing them better than anyone probably know why. I doubt it's intentional or meant out of spite or meanness. Everyone struggling with something wants something different than what they are getting from life.

The same for us. I'm sure we could be doing some things different but right now we are doing what we think is right for us.

My wife and I didn't get back together. We knew it wouldn't work, even if she wouldn't have had cancer, we just couldn't be together. That didn't mean that we didn't love one another. I doubt I'll ever love anyone the way I loved her and I know she felt the same about me. She quit being resentful towards me, she forgave me for some things I did and she quit telling me what a piece of shit I was because she didn't really believe that. What she felt was hurt, not anger. She wanted to hurt me like I hurt her. It was only after we let all of that go, we forgave one another, we accepted we had these kids together and now it was about them, not just about me and her. It took something major in her life to get her to pick up that phone and call me even though it was the last thing she wanted to do and it took her not giving me that choice whether to get them or not, to get all of us to where we are today. Had she not, who knows, maybe neither one of us would be here today.

Don't ever assume you know what someone else is going through or what demons they are fighting unless you've walked in their shoes.

You take advantage of my kindness

You too advantage of my kindness and treated it like a weakness.

When I give, there's no strings attached. When I love, it's unconditional. When I care, it's genuine.  I know what it's like to be without, ignored and alone. Because of that I know the value of what's in my heart. I also know it was the grace of God that got me through those struggles and I've come to know the more that I give away, the more I get in return. It's when I stop loving, that I no longer feel loved. It's when I stop helping that I feel ignored, it's when I stop giving that I stop receiving.

I will be careful though. I will not give these precious gifts to be abused and taken for granted. When they are, I won't stop giving, I won't get angry, I won't be spiteful. What I will do is reevaluate your place in my life. I will find some one who appreciates my sincerity.

When I make a decision to open up and give what I have to offer, I'm all in. You get 100%. The same in reverse, when I decide I'm done, I'm done. There's no looking back and I will have no regrets. I will only be a memory for you....

Today I break my heart

I just want you to know that 
  I love you, 
even though my head tells me 
  not too.

I know why you stay away,
  but my heart looks beyond reason.
It refuses to give up and continues   to beat for the only love it believes in.

This is the point where my heart breaks,
  but it's not you,  the one who will break it. 
it's me, it has to stop hurting, I'm the one who must make it. 

I'm afraid because I'm going to be cold, 
I'm no longer going to care, the love will be gone, 
the dreams will go away,
memories will fade,

Today is the day I grab my heart, 
pull it from my chest to tear it apart. 

Today is the day I break my heart.

Love will save us

There's 3 kinds of people on this Earth, all three divided,, regardless of age, race, creed, sexual orientation or any other deciding factor other than their belief of, or lack of belief, about how we got here. What I'm going to share with you here is my opinion based on my own observations and beliefs about the 3 main or largest groups comprising of most of the world's population. Then you have those people who don't fit into either of those 3 groups.

So these 3 kinds of people or these 3 groups are;

1. The scientific community, who believe we have evovled from a tiny spark (atom) that we can't see that came from billions of miles away out of a big explosion, landing on what would eventually become Earth, which at the time was basically a round ball of do-do that got to just the right temperature to cause that spark to fuck a piece of dust, that it just so happen to land beside. From there it had a family that also fucked and through incest weird shit happened and formed strange things never seen before,  like water and trees and oxygen.  All of those things started fucking and made little baby trees and fish and fucked up looking lizard things that lived under water and over the course of millions and millions of years a whole bunch of weird shit never before seen anywhere came from all this fucking, things like dinosaurs and plants, but then another explosion here caused a big smoke screen which blocked the sun and froze everything to death. The smoke finally cleared, the sun came out, thawed everything which went back to fucking again and before long, we came out of a monkeys ass, they think but don't really know because they aren't sure what fucked the monkey because it's missing, which I don't blame it. If I fucked a monkey I'd leave too, but here we are, the human race in all its Glory. You may ask, "how do we know all that happened?". Well.. Simple. The scientist have this big telescope that can see so far away that it can actually look back through time, all the way back millions and millions of years to when that explosion happened and see the whole ordeal going down. Sort of like an instant replay.

2. Next, over on the other side, you have the religious people who believe we were created by this old dude who sits on this big throne made of gold, up in the clouds. He has all these angels that fly around helping him and he's got this big stick he carries with him. One day he decided he wanted something to do, sort of like a hobby, so he got to waving his big stick around. First he created the heavens and Earth. Then he decided Earth would look cool with some mountains, but then it needed some water because that was too much dirt. It still didn't look right so he planted all kinds plants and trees. When he finished it looked like a crew of Mexicans had just come in and landscaped the whole place in a day. It still needed something, so he made all these animals and bugs to enjoy this nice landscaping. Then he put fish in the ocean like goldfish in a bowl but it still wasn't enough. That's when he came up with the idea of a man. Somebody to take care of the place, so he made a man and called him Adam. Sort of sounds like what the scientist called theirs don't it, Atom. Then he thought, he didn't want Adam to be lonely so he took one of Adams ribs and made him a woman to keep him company. He was happy now. Earth had everything it needed. He was leaving and told Adam and Eve, it's yours, the whole place, you take tomorrow off and rest, come Monday you do whatever you want the place just don't do one thing. Adam said what's that? The old man said whatever you do, do not eat those apples. They said no problem, the old man throws them the keys, waves his stick and he's gone. Well, one of those angels he left to sort of watch over things got to talking with Eve one day and was asking her about the Apple. Wonder why the old man don't want you to eat the apple? Well this didn't set right with Eve. She got to thinking about it and says something to Adam. Adam said don't eat the apple, just forget about it. Well..Eve just couldn't let it go and one day she decided she was going to eat the apple. Well good God Almighty Jesus Christ you would of thought somebody turned the lights out the moment Elvis walked in. The old man went to raising hell, literally, sent that angel to hell for instigating the whole thing, gave Eve a fat ass and titties, then told her you think you know what's best, from now on you can do the work and told her she would have to give birth and carry the baby inside her for 9 months. She cried and then he told Adam, you gotta live with her. Well Adam was a little turned on by Eve's new big ass and titties so they went to fucking and before you know it, there's people everywhere. Well, the old man, who they call God now because that's all Eve kept hollering while they were making and having those babies so it just sort of stuck, like a nickname, but the old man, God, he felt bad for doing them like that plus things were getting a little out of hand, so he decided to pick through and get out all the good stuff, flood the whole place, clean it up real good and just start over.  He did, gave them a set of rules and left again. Well, once again, nobody listened. He was fed up so he told his son, you deal with it this time. Well Jesus was a hippie and a little more easy going than God and he was to come down, chill with the people, get him a few helpers and try to teach the people how to live. Well that didn't go well, they tried to kill him. Well God said that's it mother fuckers, I'm taking the whole place out. Pop it like a pimple on a fat man's ass but Jesus said don't do it Daddy. Give em one more chance and he did. He said you just remember, it's my son that saved y'alls ass and I'm gonna judge every one of you by how grateful you are.  If you don't do right you gonna go to same place I sent that last asshole that fucked with me and trust me, it's hell where he's at.  So here we are, but there's all kinds of versions to the story and some shit had got lost and some of the story changed so the religious people are sort of divided within their own group because they aren't real sure exactly what to do and are just making it up as they go which pissed some off, so they left and made their own book telling what happened and they been fighting about that for that last 2000 years ever since they almost killed Jesus.

3. So now that leaves the third group of people and they are called athiests. Well, they don't NOT believe but they don't believe either. They think that both the other two groups are full of shit, especially the religious crowd but they really don't give a shit one way or the other, it's basically we're here, does it really matter how we got here, just deal with it.

Now seriously though, all joking and sarcasm aside, here's the problem. Each group strongly believes the other groups are wrong. So much so that it keeps millions of people at odds, countries, Nations and entire races of people at war and has been for thousands of years.  Each group chooses to focus on, not what they can agree on,  but they focus on everything they disagree on. They refuse to see a very simple solution to every problem they've ever had. The simple fact that if they would each only believe in the one thing each and every one of us have in common, many or most of our problems would go away and that one simple thing is that......We all want to be loved.

If everyone believed in love and focused on love, we would all be united as one. Isn't that what motivates most all religions to even worship a  God or deity?  Do the scientists not believe that the desire to be loved is what makes humans the only organism on this planet to seek only one mate and remain monogamous?  I'm sure just because an Athiest has no opinion one way or another about how or why we're here, they still wouldn't mind feeling a little love from another.

Here's the crazy part. Each group believes in love to some degree within their own group and it unites them. Each group believes that's what their core being is supposed to do. Hate and evil or ill will is punished.

God says love one another, evolution gave us the ability to love and loving is simply part of our existence. All 3 groups are actually all right in their individual beliefs if they would get down to the core of what it is that they all actually believe but they choose to not see that and refuse to accept the others groups. They willfully and intentionally set themselves apart to be different.

We will die off, fade away and come back again and again if it takes billions of years until the day we get it right and accept the only thing that we all have in common, agree on it, accept the differences or just realize that there really are no differences, there are simply tales, educated guesses, doctrines, hypothesis and a good bit of just plain ignorance, but no actual facts or proof of anything other than a desire in each and every one of us to be treated fair, respected, wanted and loved. Not to be singled out, divided, isolated and sent to be alone.  The world will become unlike anything we could even imagine if we all followed and lived by that golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Humanity will keep repeating the same thing over and over until we do. The Bible says that but we choose to not hear it. Science proves it but we ignore it. Our minds tell us that but we don't believe it. 

I believe it and I believe I'm here to help others believe it. Not by preaching it, or testifying or forcing it on anyone, but by simply trying to live a life knowing God is love, love is what gives us life and our existence is that simple. The downside of that is I don't fit into any of the molds that the 3 groups create so I'm considered a rebel, I'm labeled, it causes me great difficulties, at times a lot of personal doubt, it hurts my relationships with others but I somehow get through it and in the end I always end up in the same place, at peace with myself, the fact that I may have somehow touched the life of another and shown them love, maybe caused someone to think different bringing some peace in their life and being of service to as many people as I can. No one should ever feel alone, unloved, worthless, no one should ever be deprived, hungry, uncared for. No one should ever be lost, abandoned or confused about who they are. Those are the people I look for, those are the people who are disciples, those are the people who need to know they have a purpose, there's nothing wrong with them, those are the people who don't belong to any of the 3 groups, the people who have been to that place in life where the only thing they had left was a beating heart not realizing they had much more, the one thing we all have in common, love, because even though they were on bottom, lost everything, had nothing, they still had the desire and willingness to help another who may be a little worse off than they are. Those people that we shun, lock away, ridicule and judge are the people who will save us. 

I'm happy when I help people. It's my purpose. I end up in different places. I don't know where I'll end up this time. Ive spent my life chasing the one thing I try to give others. I forget what I'm taught and that the only way to receive love is to give it. If I desire to take someone's pain away, I have to be ready to feel that pain with them and I do. I feel pain, a lot of pain everyday, I start believing it's mine and some of it may be, but for the most part I feel the pain of others.
People say why would you do that? Because when you help someone, willing to feel their pain and take it upon yourself, you are replacing it with love. Something they couldn't do for themselves. Now that they have love, they can go and give it away to someone else who needs it like they did, they must or they will eventually lose it. When they see another hurting or needing love, they go and give that person their love.
It spreads and grows. We must keep it going, if not we'll lose it.

That is God, that is evolution, that is creation, that is neither believing or not believing but simple doing.

A reason for the seasons

My mind never stops. I have this need inside me, like a magnet it's constantly pulling on me and it draws me toward people that are hurting in some way. It's not like I'm feeling sorry for them and it's not like I have an obsession to fix them.

I know some that will take people in that will use them and take advantage of their kindness. They try to fix these people to the point of obsession, but with them I think it fills some kind of void. Makes them feel needed.  It's not like that for me. I take in people too, but I really don't want to. Some I've treated badly. I'm not feeling a void. They aren't making me feel needed, they're pissing me off is what they are doing.

This desire, this calling, this purpose or whatever fuck it is, reminds me this is what I'm on this Earth to do. If I try to do anything else I'm miserable.  Hell I can't even manage my own life much less tell anyone how to manage theirs. People look at my life and think my God he's fucked up. Dude go get some help, but it's not. Maybe by society's rules it appears that way. I don't live by those rules. There's thousands upon thousands of people out there who do live by those rules, everyday. People from the outside looking in will envy those fuckers. Big houses, cars, boats,  money, some even sit in church every Sunday following those rules too. People want to be like them but in their hearts, they are cold, miserable. They hate their life but they don't dare show it. They keep acting the part, posting the happy  pictures  online to keep everyone believing their lie, the whole time just wanting to get in the car, start driving and not stop. Just disappear..

That's what we have come to accept as normal. I'm not normal and I don't do normal. I have learned to just surrender, don't fight it, don't force it, don't ask questions, just go along with the plan but I never know what the plan is, I just know I'm where I'm supposed to be, where ever that might be.

It gets me in trouble, it pisses my family and my kids off, they don't understand it, because where I'm supposed to be varies, varies a lot. I might be sitting in church one Sunday singing amazing grace or at least lip syncing, I might be speaking at an Alcoholics Anonymous convention, I might be sitting in a jail cell, in the hood buying crack, in a bathroom shooting heroin, the next week in someone's million dollar home remodeling their bathroom or whatever. I just know wherever I am, that's where I'm supposed to be at that very sec, of that minute, that hour of that day. Don't know why, Don't know what I'm supposed to be there for, what I'm supposed to be doing, not asking any questions.

Then one day something just clicks and I know what I'm supposed to do and I do it. Most of the time I don't even tell anybody what it is I'm doing or when it's over, what I've done. When it is over I'm standing there feeling every kind of emotion a person can feel, it's like I've been taking in all this negative shit for so long, I'm not talking minutes or hours, I'm talking months. Then at one time its all coming out. When it's over I have this over whelming feeling of peace and I don't know what I just did, I just know I was supposed to do it.

From there I just go on with life until the next time comes along. I never know what it will be, I'm not looking for anything. Then out of the blue, no warning or anything, somebody random is dropped in my life, all fucked up. I want to just ignore it and walk the other way because I know what's coming but I can't. If I do manage to walk away, it robs me of any peace of mind I have and life gets real difficult. I seem to some how go through these patterns. It's like the seasons changing. I'll get so consumed by something, chasing life in a circle like a dog chasing his tail until that day comes, this voice says ok you can stop now, but I won't immediately stop. I'll fight it and keep chasing until I'm completely drained, I'll break down, here come all those emotions just spewing out of every fiber of my being and I'm laying there drained, empty, but at the same time I feel full and satisfied, not wanting, not needing, just that overwhelming feeling of peace. Like I finally arrived at where I'm supposed to be. I'll have no idea where that is, why I'm there or what I just did. I just know that I did it and I'm heading into a new, fresher, totally different season to do it again.

That usually last about a month before I'm upside down chasing my tail again for the next two months when the season is coming to a close and a new one started. I'll be so fucked up I'm oblivious to what's happening or what I'm doing. This has been happening to me since I was in my late teens, almost 35 years. I hate it but at the same time I have this feeling that I wouldn't be happy any other way. I know I'm serving a purpose and I almost feel like I asked for it. 

I'm sure some will read this and know exactly what I'm talking about but most that read it will probably be confused as hell. It wasn't meant to help or hurt anyone. It wasn't meant to clarify or confuse. It was just something that I needed to let out and you just happened to read it. Don't try to make meaning of it or make reason as to why you read it. It's one of those that hits you when it's suppose to....

Letting Go or Holding On

  They say letting go of something is the hardest thing you'll ever do. In that case then, I'll say trying to hold on to something is the most painful thing you'll ever do. 

  We try to hold on to be people that for whatever reasons no longer want to be there, begging them for another chance, they just aren't willing. We aren't thinking about what's going to happen or all those processes of grief from a breakup that we are going to go thru, at least not right then as we are holding tight.  Right now we're feeling rejected, unwanted, not good enough. We go from sad to angry to sad again, a million times.

 It's only a short time before reality sets in. We get a little past that initial shock and think about what's going on around us and who all this will effect. What is everyone else gonna think? What are our families going to say? 

Then here comes the embarrassment. Not being able to keep a girlfriend is disappointing, not being able to make something work is frustrating, doing something to fit in and it only separates you further is confusing. We hold on to something because we think it makes us who we are. We try to convince ourselves we can make it work. We may even go another direction and start blaming people, we get angry, resentful, vindictive. We will start feeling sorry for ourselves. We make ourselves a victim. It's all those feelings and emotions that hit us when we least expect that cause us so much pain. At the time it seems easier to hold onto the very thing causing that pain because as long as we have it close we can manage it but the moment we let it go is when we have to feel those raw emotions all the way through to the end.

 So someone may ask why would we hold on to something if we know it is going to continue to cause us pain? Because of fear. Sometimes its fear of being alone. Sometimes it's fear of change, sometimes fear of failure, fear of who we'll become. Either way we must let go of the fear. If we don't it will surely kill us or at the least make us wish we were dead..

 Some will come out of the gate hard saying things like fuck that bitch, I ain't scared of shit, but then go off and isolate, searching for some kind of clue, still asking why. Some may even find an immediate substitute, whether it's a person or drug or whatever is making our life unmanageable. We may convince ourselves it's a solution but we are really just swapping one pain for another.

The only answer is we must face our fears. Fear has to go we must get rid of it but we don't know how. What do I do where do I start.. Some will say pray, turn it over to God. Have faith that God will take care of us and give us everything we need. Faith that we don't need some one or some thing to complete us and make us who we are.

It's when we have faith, face our fears, let go and let God into our lives that we find acceptance, we find peace, we gain strength and we start moving in a positive direction.

If there's something in your life today that's causing you pain, frustration, rejection, anger, sadness.....quit holding on to it. Let it go. Let God work in your life and be your guide to those things that bring us true happiness."

I stare at you

The first time I saw you my heart dropped. The second time I saw you, my heart dropped. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has dropped, 

because of that,
I stare at you.

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body, the way you walk, smile, laugh, your sarcasm when you're mad or upset, the way you look at me. Every single thing about you is beautiful.
I can't help but to 

stare at you.

When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. 

There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.

When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it much. I live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing is when I see that beautiful girl and my heart drops again. 

That,  is why I stare at you.

Depression

Depression it's a lonely place trapped in your thoughts with no escape,
Feeling unwanted, the ugly duckling, tears roll down your face.

Feelings of rejection from those you love, it's not always intentional, still it hurts the same.
No one wants to be around you, it's like they can't wait to leave, you try and hide the pain.

They call it self pity, they say they love you and you know they do,
Still they don't understand, what it's like to sit alone, no one calls, no one comes by or simply ask how are you.

It's a lonely place, you sit and think, treated like you have a disease,
Still, you hide your pain, it lives in the dark, where no one else can see.