My mind never stops. I have this need inside me, like a magnet it's constantly pulling on me and it draws me toward people that are hurting in some way. It's not like I'm feeling sorry for them and it's not like I have an obsession to fix them.
I know some that will take people in that will use them and take advantage of their kindness. They try to fix these people to the point of obsession, but with them I think it fills some kind of void. Makes them feel needed. It's not like that for me. I take in people too, but I really don't want to. Some I've treated badly. I'm not feeling a void. They aren't making me feel needed, they're pissing me off is what they are doing.
This desire, this calling, this purpose or whatever fuck it is, reminds me this is what I'm on this Earth to do. If I try to do anything else I'm miserable. Hell I can't even manage my own life much less tell anyone how to manage theirs. People look at my life and think my God he's fucked up. Dude go get some help, but it's not. Maybe by society's rules it appears that way. I don't live by those rules. There's thousands upon thousands of people out there who do live by those rules, everyday. People from the outside looking in will envy those fuckers. Big houses, cars, boats, money, some even sit in church every Sunday following those rules too. People want to be like them but in their hearts, they are cold, miserable. They hate their life but they don't dare show it. They keep acting the part, posting the happy pictures online to keep everyone believing their lie, the whole time just wanting to get in the car, start driving and not stop. Just disappear..
That's what we have come to accept as normal. I'm not normal and I don't do normal. I have learned to just surrender, don't fight it, don't force it, don't ask questions, just go along with the plan but I never know what the plan is, I just know I'm where I'm supposed to be, where ever that might be.
It gets me in trouble, it pisses my family and my kids off, they don't understand it, because where I'm supposed to be varies, varies a lot. I might be sitting in church one Sunday singing amazing grace or at least lip syncing, I might be speaking at an Alcoholics Anonymous convention, I might be sitting in a jail cell, in the hood buying crack, in a bathroom shooting heroin, the next week in someone's million dollar home remodeling their bathroom or whatever. I just know wherever I am, that's where I'm supposed to be at that very sec, of that minute, that hour of that day. Don't know why, Don't know what I'm supposed to be there for, what I'm supposed to be doing, not asking any questions.
Then one day something just clicks and I know what I'm supposed to do and I do it. Most of the time I don't even tell anybody what it is I'm doing or when it's over, what I've done. When it is over I'm standing there feeling every kind of emotion a person can feel, it's like I've been taking in all this negative shit for so long, I'm not talking minutes or hours, I'm talking months. Then at one time its all coming out. When it's over I have this over whelming feeling of peace and I don't know what I just did, I just know I was supposed to do it.
From there I just go on with life until the next time comes along. I never know what it will be, I'm not looking for anything. Then out of the blue, no warning or anything, somebody random is dropped in my life, all fucked up. I want to just ignore it and walk the other way because I know what's coming but I can't. If I do manage to walk away, it robs me of any peace of mind I have and life gets real difficult. I seem to some how go through these patterns. It's like the seasons changing. I'll get so consumed by something, chasing life in a circle like a dog chasing his tail until that day comes, this voice says ok you can stop now, but I won't immediately stop. I'll fight it and keep chasing until I'm completely drained, I'll break down, here come all those emotions just spewing out of every fiber of my being and I'm laying there drained, empty, but at the same time I feel full and satisfied, not wanting, not needing, just that overwhelming feeling of peace. Like I finally arrived at where I'm supposed to be. I'll have no idea where that is, why I'm there or what I just did. I just know that I did it and I'm heading into a new, fresher, totally different season to do it again.
That usually last about a month before I'm upside down chasing my tail again for the next two months when the season is coming to a close and a new one started. I'll be so fucked up I'm oblivious to what's happening or what I'm doing. This has been happening to me since I was in my late teens, almost 35 years. I hate it but at the same time I have this feeling that I wouldn't be happy any other way. I know I'm serving a purpose and I almost feel like I asked for it.
I'm sure some will read this and know exactly what I'm talking about but most that read it will probably be confused as hell. It wasn't meant to help or hurt anyone. It wasn't meant to clarify or confuse. It was just something that I needed to let out and you just happened to read it. Don't try to make meaning of it or make reason as to why you read it. It's one of those that hits you when it's suppose to....
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