I just don't know

I don't know what it was that made you love me. I don't know what it was that made you hate me. I remember the things you said when I assume we were good. I also look at your action now and things don't add up. At one time we were so in love or so I thought.

I'll always remember the letters you wrote me. The things you said, how no one had ever loved you like I do. How you don't know what you would do without me. You want me and only me.

I'll also never forget how I was always a secret. You lived two lives, one with me and one with everyone else. I'll never forget how you never introduced me to anyone. How I always felt like I would never be good enough for you. How you justified everything, even the things that hurt me.

I just don't know why....

The plumber

So I'm in the kitchen cleaning up and I notice everything is quiet. That's usually a sign that two little boys are up to no good. I yell for Codie, the 16 month old and usually he will come running but he didn't. I yelled for Jesse, the five year old and I faintly her him yell back, " Codie put the truck in the toilet". I went down the hallway to the bathroom and Codie is standing there with a fly swatter in the toilet trying to get a Matchbox truck out of it. Of course my initial response was WTH! ...then I thought, where the hell did you get a fly swatter?? Jesse looked at me and didn't say a word, then he looked back at Codie, then back at me. Codie looked at Jesse, then at me, then back at Jesse. I was looking in the toilet then back at Codie, then at Jesse then back in the toilet. It seemed like forever then Codie looked at me, handed me the fly swatter and stepped back out of the way.

Nobody said a word. I saw the truck at the bottom and thought about using the fly swatter to get it out but from the looks of  the water on the floor, Codie had been trying unsuccessfully for a while. I rolled up the sleeve and went in! As soon as I get the truck out Jesse looks at Codie and said, "see, I told you". I don't know what he told him but apparently they had had some sort of discussion as to the best way to get it out and I guess Codie decided the fly swatter would do it. Hey, at least they didn't flush it or try to flush it and flood the bathroom. Maybe I have a future plumber in my house.

Cruel love with a sense of humor

You came into my life one night and caught me by surprise, you stole my heart like no other,

What followed next was blissful chaos, laughter, crying, joy and pain, one day fighting, one day lovers,

Till it came a day, we had enough, something's got to change, babe I'll do whatever, 

you said don't bother, I've made up my mind, I'm packing up, moving out, moving on, it's over.

I said, the fuck you say, you can't leave, I'm not done, Fuck that, I've had enough, I'm leaving you this time.

but our souls have had enough and decided they arent giving in.

Try all you want, do everything you must, you're  still not gonna win,

Your love is too strong, what tears you apart, also brings you back together 

So stop the fighting, quit the bickering, learn to give in, expect low, accept high, whatever,

whether you like it or not you're stuck with one another,

This life time plus many more. So slow down enjoy the ride, smell the Roses,

You're stuck with one another from now until forever....

©LH 2017

Love

The pain from the heart is the worst anyone could ever feel. it hurts the longest, there is no relief from it, it makes a person do things they wouldn't normally do. It affects every area of a person's life, it affects a person's self esteem, their self worth, it can make one question life itself.

When a person loves another, they place the other person in a position of power. Sort of like putting an app on a phone. You give this app permissions. Permissions to access certain vulnerable, personal or private areas. True love requires permission to all. It won't operate on just one or with one missing. Love must have permission to access every area of your life, of your soul of your being. When we allow such permissions, we set ourselves up. We open ourselves up for an attack from the inside.

A person wants to trust that here is another person who says they love me and I want to trust that they would never use the permissions I give them against me but sometimes it will happen. We are lucky if we only experience it once or if ever, but for some, it can come again and again. When it does, we know immediately. We have felt the pain before. We know the storm that's coming. We throw up defenses and start locking down the hatches, rallying the troops. The enemy is within the borders.

Sometimes though it isn't intentional and hopefully it's quickly fixed before any damage occurs. Love has access to critical areas. This is why so many people are guarded and some may never truly feel what real love is because they will never allow complete access to these vulnerable areas. Real true love with power over a person's entire body, soul and mind can be a scary thing and this fear will keep many from ever experiencing it.

There's only one thing that can overcome that fear and allow us to feel the one and only thing we were ever supposed to feel since the beginning. The reason we are here, our sole purpose for life, to love, to feel love, to give love, to be loved. The one thing that can take away the fear we have is God. God is love. God is light. Just like light will shine into areas where we can't physically reach, so will God. God illuminates these dark areas. Light makes thing's visible. With the light, we can now see  thing's that are broken. Things causing us pain. Things causing us to have fear. God brings light on to these dark corners of our soul. He shows us areas that need repair. Light will expose areas that are scarred from past experiences.

Without light, without God, without love, we cannot heal. We will go through life suffering form the damage, trying to hide the scars, nothing will ever be changed, we will always feel the pain from these old and sometimes new wounds where we took chances on others and allowed them access into our lives. If God has this power to heal such deep wounds, if just a small key hole can allow enough light in to illuminate a dark room, imagine if we opened the door. Imagine if we opened our hearts and let God's light shine upon it, let God's love shine onto a heart that is broken, one that is scarred, one that has felt great pains such as rejection.

Rejection is the worst pain any person will ever endure. Rejection tells a person they aren't enough. It tells them they aren't attractive, they are ugly, unwanted and are doomed to a life of loneliness. It causes us to be overtaken by fears. Fear of beingalone, fear of judgement, fear of embarrassment. Sometimes we panic and go into recovery mode. We may do things we wouldn't normally do, trying to keep those things at bay.

IBy doing this, aren't we doing the same thing to God that we are having done to us? We are rejecting God. We are saying that we can handle this. We do it our way but find we can't handle it. The old saying, "we are thinking with our hearts and not our heads" or with rational thoughts wasn't just some words put together.

The heart is very capable of making decisions, probably more so than our minds, not all decisions, but those most important. That's why the critical decisions, the life changing decisions are left up to the heart. The day to day decisions we make are not suited for the heart. Getting up to go to work, taking care of ourselves, the maintenance decisions are for our minds. The common sense that seems not so common.

Our minds must take this back over and allow our heart the chance to heal. The fear prevents this and stands in our way. How do we overcome the fear? We don't, God does. Remember, God is the light that shines on the broken areas, God is the medicine, God heals the wounds and makes our heart able to love again.

We must have faith. Faith is the antidote to the poison of fear. Faith neutralizes fear and allows God to heal things. We must open the door, open our hearts, have faith in God and allow that light to shine on our hearts. We must give God permission. God's light will not shine into our hearts unless we let it. When we do, that light will touch the dark areas, we will feel it, we feel the warmth. We feel invigorated, we feel new again. we feel love. Our Father, God, loves us unconditionally. He does not give us more than we can handle. Sometimes when things seem like they are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.

Why am I here

I have this feeling, like I don't belong, I felt it since birth, 

Everyday I deal with what's become for me, a virtual hell here on Earth.

Most days are a struggle, just getting out of bed, 

No energy, sick and tired, sad thoughts in my head. 

I pray, I beg, God please take me away, from this earth, from this life, 

I can't take another day.

But he won't, he tells me, this is where I'm supposed to be. 

He has a purpose, a plan, a use for me,

I know it now, awakening, one of his children sent to fight, 

To spread the word, change the course, from the darkness to the light.

But theres a twist to the story before I begin, 

to spread his word, tell of his love and a life without sin. 

I must experience the struggle, to know and feel what it's like, 

living from day to day knowing, 

each day is another fight.

So the battle begins, 

a life of stress and worries, 

broken promises, lost dreams 

and futile wishes,

daily battles with addiction, drugs,

obsessive thoughts and compulsive itches.

with people, always conflict, 

we bitch, we cuss, we blame,

constant fighting, try to control me, 

I'm called an asshole, a junkie and a few other choice names.

Year after year, it goes on and on, 

I can't take much more,

I'm tired,  I need to rest, 

get my feet off the floor.

It's all the demands, misunderstanding, the sadness, so much sadness where do I even start,

trying to explain how lonely it gets,

living constantly with a broken heart.

Pride and egos, defects in character,

they come face to face,

testing my endurance, how far can they push me, like it's some kind of race.

We should be treating others the way we want to be treated,

it's not about winning, it's not about losing either, 

but still we judge and point fingers,

so cruel, so cold, so bitter.

I get tangled in others webs, 

woven with gossip, lies and deciet.

the more I fight it, the stronger it gets,

to the point so tight, I feel I can't breathe.

I can't take much more, the insanity has to stop.

I'm not giving up,  

God I promise you I'm not.

You have a purpose he said, go help others in their fight.

Spread the word, there is salvation, you have a creator, he gave you life.

Many gifts he has given you, but there is one, none the greater,

It's his son Jesus Christ, he's the one who is your savior.

He said I love you my child, come to me, there are some things you must do,

confess to me your sins and be willing to let them go,

Do this in the presense of your brother, don't deny me in the company of peers,

I will heal your broken heart and take away your worries and fears.

Accept my son as your savior,  it is through him your sins are forgiven,

His name is Jesus, my only son,

the one returned from the dead to the living.

its through his blood shed on that cross, on the hills of Calvary,

my son I sent to die,

so your souls can be forever sin free.

We have his Mercy and his Grace, 

now love is all we need, 

there are those who say its not enough, there are those who don't believe.

People these days will never know his love,  coming from one another,

it's not the same, 

it's rarely unconditional, told you must do this or that, some try to buy it, it's not for sale, the debt had long been paid.

When its missing, it leaves a void. I tried to fill it with a needle and spoon, 

no matter what I do, it's not enough, a hole as big as the moon, 

yet God's love, it soothes the soul, if you ever feel it it's amazing, 

It satisfies our wants and fulfills our needs, it's the drug, we should be craving.

We are human, bad decisions, we stumble and we fall, 

God knows this, he doesn't forget us, 

he knows our desires, needs and wants most of all.

So don't judge me or condemn me, what gives you the right, 

Do you even know me, have you walked in my shoes, felt my struggle, fought my fight?

People throw rocks at glass houses, a little stupid don't you think, it's that COOL-aid they're drinking, 

They think their shit doesn't stink. 

Hard headed, self centred, ego driven, kicking, screaming, 

Look at me, what about me, me, me, me, no one is listening, 

but God is watching, he's taking note, the end is soon, your time is coming, 

standing at the gates, 

Saint Peter calls your name, now it's God, who's doing the judging.

Here on Earth, God knows I try, I feel like Job, he test my faith, 

Oh trust me when I say, theres times, plenty, when I wanna break, 

But I push and I push, any and everything to get thru, 

went the distance and gone above, 

still I know, God the glory, belongs to you.

I still need an answer God,   how do I get through, 

these people, so full of doubt,what do I do, 

I pray, I listen, I call on the angels you have sent me, 

but its like no one hears me, not even you.

Up and down the hallway, kicking doors, losing focus, 

Then I hear that faint whisper, 

God says to me, sit down and be quiet, 

Then you'll see, when one door closes Another one opens.

Have faith my child. You have nothing to fear, 

A legion of angels I've sent to protect you, they are always near. 

Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, my most trusted of them all,

They're here to serve you, protect you, keep you from harm, 

They have so much to teach you,

they watch every step you take,

 you have so much to learn, mistakes you will make.

Though the end may be near,  

we are only just beginning, 

and it's you I've placed trust in, 

to spread the word that I'm here.

So remember my child, this question that you ask, 

the answer you seek is found within the task, 

Simply go fourth on this journey, One day at a time, 

sometimes minute by minute, Just keep a straight line.

Follow the path I've shown you, It's along the way you will find, 

You already know the answer,

Follow not your will, but mine......

Betrayed

The hurt of betrayal doesn't always come from the deed but from the reasoning and thoughts behind it.

I wanted to stay

It finally occurred to me, you will only stay where you are sure you won't be loved.

I know you've tested and proved that you don't need love, at most, I believe you feel as if you don't deserve it. At times I think you just enjoy the pain. Still, I tried to be there and prove to you that you do deserve it.

With that said, I wanted to stay and show you how much I loved you, but wants and needs are two entirely different things, and what i needed was to walk away....

A woman's love

She caught my attention from the moment I first saw her,
The long blonde hair, her bright blue eyes, sophisticated, but sexy. 
Her laugh was addicting, she seemed confident and calm,
A hint of sarcasm, she knew what she wanted, she was a woman in charge.

My eyes, fixed on hers,
I couldn't look away,
I could feel something, building inside of me, a little intimidating I must say.

I could also sense her dis-ease,
Something bothered her, no doubt.
Unfamiliar place? Unfamiliar face? 
Not something she was used to,
She chews them up and spits them out.

What was it, then it hit me,
She sensed it too,
two alphas, male and female, in the very same room.
Senses peaking, ready to strike,
Watching the others every move,
Force of habit, watch and wait,
As if they had something to prove.

There was more to it, despite the tension,
An attraction they never felt,
To strong to ignore, to consuming to forget.
The odds against them, they didn't care,
Lovers from a past life? Soul mates?
Definitely something there.

Yet she had to go, he didn't want her to leave,
the words weren't there, it's all he could do to breathe.

he kept silent, thinking to himself, she was out of his class, an exotic beauty,
none other compared,
he didn't deserve her, he had nothing to offer, to someone so precious, so rare

His palms were sweating, heart racing, a loss for words, his confidence gone,
what should he say, please stay, that's what he wanted, stay for a while, don't leave, don't go home.

He walked her to her car, they were saying good bye,
will he see her again he wondered, he wanted to, he couldn't lie 

He wished that he could tell her
how he really felt,
Yet as hard as he tried, intimidation, fear, the words just wouldn't come out, like his tongue was tied.

With butterflies in his stomach, sweat on his brow, he blew his chance, as if he were a teenager in a dark corner, hiding, at the dance.

Then moments later, his phone rang, he didn't feel like talking, still he wondered who could it be,
He looked, it was her, why was she calling, he better answer and see. 

He answers, is everything ok, she said everything is fine,
theres just one thing I wanted to say,
It was you, sitting there, on the stool, she hesitated, I said what was it?
nevermind she said, now I feel like a fool,
Please tell me, what was it that you wanted to say.

She said, it's just, I wanted you to know, how inviting you looked,
i wanted to jump in your lap, you hold me tight, and never let go.

I said, I know the feeling, as I was looking in your eyes, so sexy, so blue,
I thought my God, you're beautiful, I feel lucky just being able to talk to you.

She said, What do you mean, you're saying I think I'm better than you or too good?
That's not very nice and actually quit rude.

No! That's not what I'm saying at all.... Before in person I couldn't get a word out but it's different with this call.

Whatever, ....(clunk)!

And so it began, from the beginning, one extreme to the other,
One day fighting, one day lovers,
So much hurt, so much pain.
One day sunshine, one day rain.

God when it was good, there was nothing else like it, you think could it ever get any better but I knew it never would.

Crazy, yes, that much is true
She'll have you second guessing everything you do,
The ups are so high, yet the downs are so low,
One day it's "get away from me", the other it's "don't go".

So what do you do, it's a woman's love no doubt,
It's seems every man can't seem to live without,

But then again, we can't seem to live with it either. One day we're out, the other back in, being cussed, called a liar and what else but a cheater.

Dammit son, what do you do, you tell yourself you love her,
she's telling you that is over,
Confusing at the least,
It's the God damn War of the Roses
So the Moral of the story, 

Next time you see a beautiful woman across the room, your heart is beating, you get up the courage to walk over,

STOP! turn your ass around and run for fucking cover!

A Relationship needs only one thing

Relationships are simple. Only one thing is needed...unconditional Love. If the relationship isn't working, then one or both are putting some kind of condition on the other in order for them to stay there, causing that person to have second thoughts, one foot in and one foot out. It'll never work. We can also put conditions on ourselves, thinking We don't deserve to be loved.

If we don't love ourselves unconditionally, no one will ever be able to love us.

God's love is unconditional. Experience His love, learn to love yourself unconditionally, then and only then can you love another

A Woman's Kingdom

Find a woman,
One who will cheer you on when you feel like giving up,
A woman who will love you when you're ashamed of yourself,
a woman who will stay by your side when everyone else has left,
a woman who trusts you when the odds are against you,
a woman who is faithful in times of temptation,
a woman who remains loyal through the hard times,
and when you find her,
marry her, thank God everyday for her, respect her, protect her, defend her, appreciate her, make her smile, never make her cry, make sure she knows she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

A girl is raised to be a queen long before she meets her King. She's in competition with many, the one who has the most to offer is the one who is chosen.

Ladies, make him feel like a King and the kingdom with all its riches will be yours.