Monday, December 26, 2005

My son Brodie

 Posted by PicasaThis was taken shortly before his mom started to get really sick and the cancer became more aggressive. A parents worse nightmare is to know one of your children are hurting and there's nothing you can do about it. I remember sitting in my room one night doing some invoicing for work and I heard what I thought was crying. I got up at be started down the hallway when I realized it was coming from Brodie's room. I went into his room and he was clearly upset. I asked him what was wrong. He looked up at me, tears running down his face and said "Daddy, don't let Mommy die". My heart felt like it was ripped from my chest and stuffed down my throat. Here lay this little boy who thought I was Superman and could do anything. He was scared his mom was going to die, no, he knew his mom was going to die and he wanted me to fix her. What do you say to that? I picked him up, held him tight and told him, son Mommy is still here, she hasn't gone anywhere. We don't know if she is going to die. We should be happy now and not sad because we still have her here with us. I know you want me to fix her but this is something for God. He's way better than me at fixing things. I tell you what, let's just ask him now if he will watch over Mommy and do what he can for her. We did. We prayed and asked God to take away any suffering or pain. We asked that his will be done and asked him to help us be strong and show us what we needed to do to make sure Mommy didn't worry about us. Help us to let Mommy know we were happy that she was still here, to not let her see us sad because we didn't want her to be sad too.  He tried, we tried. It was hard for a little boy his age to not be afraid of losing his mom, to hold back the tears. She knew. She knew all the kids were hurting. She was a strong woman. She lived years longer than they expected her to. It basically came down to the day when I had to sit on the bed, grab her by the hand and tell her it was ok to let go. She had been unresponsive for several days and I told the kids it was time to tell their mom good bye. They knew, of course it hurt but they had matured to the point of not thinking about themselves but thinking about their mom and what was best for her. After spending their last time with her, I asked them all to go outside and let me talk to her alone. I sat back down in the bed, held her hand and told her it was time for her to think about herself. She had given everyone more than anyone could have expected. She had suffered long enough. The kids were strong. Even through fighting cancer, she raised 4 babies to be strong just like she was. I felt her hand get tight around mine and I could see her relax. She finally could stop fighting. It was ok, we were proud of her. It was time to go and take care of Samantha, a daughter we had lost years before. She died that night

hey...people pay good money for hair like this!

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my crazy babies...

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Grateful for the chaos

well monday is here. its back to work. all in all, christmas was good. all the kids got what they wanted and then some.

feeling a little distant today for some reason. I just feel like something is missing or being forgotten. I have been feeling that a lot lately. I know I will miss the holidays when there over but I will also be glad they are over so things can get back to normal or whatever normal is. I have been neglecting work the last few weeks just trying to get things together for christmas and its catching up with me. Then my f#@* up brain takes over and says"if you can't do it all, then don't do any of it".

I need to get back to my recovery too. I feel like I haven't been going to enough meetings or giving the sponsees in my life the time they deserve. with all that said, I had this newcomer come to me last night and ask me to sponsor him. I thank God for the guys in my life because they keep me on my toes so to speak. I would be lost without them but I also don't want to "save the Fellowship" either. I have enough going on with my recovery, work and the kids. I need to be careful to not over do it trying to help others.

I'm missing the kids too. They have been spending time with their mother the last few days. Jesse went home yesterday and I'm missing him more than usual. Maybe because everytime I see him he seems to have grown a foot. I feel like I'm missing out on everything. I guess now I know how Jodi feels being so far from the kids. I couldn't do it knowing now how it feels just being away from jesse for a few days. It makes me feel guilty sometimes that I seem to miss him more than the others but I know its only because I am not around him all the time. I need to show the others the attention during the week that I show jesse on the weekends when he is here.

oh well... enough whining. like I said, today was another good day compared to what they used to be.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

well, the kids are gone with their mom, jesse is sleeping, the house is quiet, nothing is stirring not even a mouse. hell, I don't know what to do.

today's inventory.......

I didn't over-indulge in anything today. I almost bought my dad a $150 rotisserie oven but I put it back. I don't know if that was being responsible or just greedy and not wanting to spend the money. I never know what to buy him and always end up spending a lot of money on things he never uses. I thought too that if I spent that much money on him then I would have to spend that much on my mom and I don't know what to get her now much less finding something for $150. This is why I don't like Christmas. everyone should have a wish list or they don't get anything!

I can't think of any defects blaring today. No fears. No amends that I know of. today has been a good day.

ps. happy birthday sis....whats that 43? god your old!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What's up

well....not sure what I'm doing here. I wanted to put up a site and I figured this was the easiest way, plus, anyone who wants can post comments on what I write or just say hello.

Don't be shocked with what you may see or read here. Like the title says, it's sort of my daily inventory so you may even read about yourself if you pissed me off today. I doubt I will admit when I'm wrong, ( usually I'm not <-----!), but I might. I will most likely blame everything on you people, especially the stupid, idiotic, no brain, self absorbed, cell phone talking, yuppie holiday drivers! ( <------ see what I mean)

Anyway, christmas shopping is done except for 4 gift cards, the gas company got my heat on, the kids are being about as nice to each other as can be expected since santa is watching and little man jesse gets to spend his first christmas with me and the kids, so it looks like I will make it through one more christmas without killing someone or myself (<----just kidding) or worst yet, going to jail, detox or mental health.

This led to years of therapy!

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Tis the season

4 more days!!

Wanna see me make magic bubbles?

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Self Pity and keeping score

Don't know if you believe in God or have any kind of relationship with a higher power but if you do, imagine if God said "I don'...